I'm not as much of a crafter as I would like to be, I look at all these amazing blogs and think, wow I wish I could craft, bake and be as imaginative as those people, but I'm not.
I'm just an eighteen year old girl who doesn't know where I'm goign with my life, I change my mind so often as to what I like doing, like, look at me 4 months ago, and I was obsessed with baking and cooking, and now, I can't even be bothered to turn on my oven on some days.
I do a higher national diploma at college doing Fashion and Textiles, but I find it so hard to do sometimes, I've been to my guidance councillor four times to quit, but shes managed to talk me out of it every time.
I suffer from four mental illnesses, but I'm not a crazy person as everyone would percieve me. I have Depression, PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder,) Anxiety and OCD. I take anti-depressants everyday, but they don't seem to work as well as everyone says that they do. On the outside I apparently seem very normal and calm, but trust me, on the inside, it's a constant struggle every day.
People get upset with me when I snap, but I think I have a right to have the benefit of the doubt when it comes to mood swings. It seems like I have to suppress whats going on in my head, and that makes it so much worse.
It's like, a bodybuilder pushing a boulder, twenty-four hours a day, every day. They are going to get tired, and have to give up once in a while, just to relax. Well you see that bodybuilder is my mind, I know I'm a strong person in my mind, I know I can go for days without letting my illnesses show, but once in a while, it escapes, I have to relax, and thats when all my emotions come pouring out and I snap.
I wish, for once, people would understand what it's like to have more than one mental illness. To understand what it's like to be me.
I'm not ashamed of who I am, nor of what has happened to me in my past, I do feel sadness for it, but I cannot help what others have done unto me, or what the outcome of that has become.
I go to the local psychiatric hospital for councilling, and I feel I can just let go there. It's a funny old thing, but I don't have to try and fit into society. I thought about admitting myself to become an inpatient for a while, because I had reached a scarily low point, and yes, I'll admit it, I wanted to end it all, just step infront of a car and let it all be over, the struggle to become better would be finished, I would have the ultimate calm.
It's a scary thought, and I don't know what the outcome of that fateful night would have been if M wasnt there. He had to hold me down while I tried my hardest to get out of his restraint and out to the main road. I couldn't think of anything but what I wanted to do, I don't even remember the words he had said to me to try and sooth me; in the end I had worn myself out so much that I just fell asleep, or passed out with strain, I'm not too sure. I am so greatful to M for what he did that night, I can't think of how he felt that night, or how bad he felt to restrain me, as much as he knew how scared I was of restraint, for the greater good.
I since got persuaded to go to the doctors, and although I did not want to start taking medication, I realised that I needed to in order to get better, I have tried so many other alternatives, trust me medication was the last thing I wanted to do, but I seem to only be better with these tablets. I admit, the change has been incredibly slow, but it's happening.
I do get extremely fustrated with myself, and what I go through, and yes, I self harm. People ask me why I do it, and the only reason I can respond is with, 'I've been doing it for so long I don't know what else to do.'
I dislike it when people tell me not to label myself as being someone with a mental illness. I am not in denial anymore, and I dislike people trying to force me back into denial so that they can get on with their own lives without having to give me help.
Nor do I like people telling me 'you're young, you have your whole life ahead of you.' They have not seen the things I have seen, or have had the things done unto them that I have had. It is hard to understand why a girl as young as me can have such bad and upsetting thoughts.
I'm very mature for my age, I had to grow up fast, because I had to become an adult very quickly, I missed out on a childhood, and I find it very upsetting, that I never got to experience the things children do, and have no clue as to how to recapture a childhood.
I will not bore you any further, but just to say, thankyou for listening to (for my usual) a brief rambling of who I really am.
Many thanks to those who inspire me
Kerry
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